


who would i be, if i had not loved you? how would i know what love is?

by ffslynch



Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Feelings Realization, M/M, Pining, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Unrequited Love, Yamaguchi Tadashi is a Good Friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:07:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27030907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ffslynch/pseuds/ffslynch
Summary: When it comes to Yamaguchi, Tsukishima's life is punctuated by several realizations, in the most inconvenient moments, that really are no one business but his own.(Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 Day 5 - Realizations)
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1970500
Comments: 10
Kudos: 33
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	who would i be, if i had not loved you? how would i know what love is?

Tsukishima Kei had known Yamaguchi Tadashi for exactly 13 school days, 4 hours and 36 minutes when he realized that they were friends. 

The revelation comes to him at the convenience store at the end of the street from his house, where Akiteru had dragged him to get some drinks for their parents and snacks for them before the weekend. There is nothing special about that day, not really, it’s just another Thursday. But as his brother was getting ready to abandon the aisle and go pay for the sugary treats, Tsukishima grabs him by the sleeve, tugging it slightly, and asks for him to also buy the bright yellow chips on top of the shelf. Akiteru looks at him, slightly confused. 

“I didn’t know you liked chips” to which Tsukishima only shrugs, but when Akiteru raises his hand to grab the package, he gets a secondary tug on his sleeve. 

“The shrimp ones,” Tsukishima tells him, which only gets Akiteru even more confused

“Since when you enjoy fake shrimp flavour anything?” he asks

“I don’t” Tsukishima replies. There is a bit or two of silence, and he sighed, finally giving in and replying “They’re Tadashi’s favourites. He brought me strawberry shortcake yoghurt to school the other day, so I want to bring him something nice too when we meet for lunch next monday” He replies, embarrassed. Akiteru smiles at him, rubbing his head. 

“How nice that you and your friend bring snacks to each other! I wish my friends would do that” He says laughing and Tsukishima blushes at the word.

Friends. Were they friends? How do you know someone is your friend, for real? 

They weren’t from the same class, but after they met, Yamaguchi always made sure to join him for lunch and their breaks. He would listen to Tsukishima and always be so in awe of him in general it was a little disconcerting at times, but Tsukishima did not plan on complaining at all. He also supposed that he did enjoy Yamaguchi’s company and attention. Not only when he listened to Tsukishima's stories and complaints like they were the most interesting thing in the world, but he also talked to him about Tsukishima's interest. He actually paid attention, making comments on a movie about dinosaurs and suggesting that one day they could go to the local history museum. 

But also, Tsukishima enjoyed when Yamaguchi talked. When he told him about his day and told dumb jokes that actually made Tsukishima laugh out loud (a somewhat rare event). He supposed he really enjoyed Yamaguchi's company. When he thought about going to the local museum, on a Saturday - a holy day away from school and obligations, he realized that really, he would quite enjoy if Yamaguchi was there with him. 

“Yeah,” he tells Akiteru, a small smile on his face but eyes glued on the floor “He is a pretty cool friend.”

Although it is easy to admit to himself, and even to his brother, he doesn’t really tell that to Yamaguchi’s face, considering unnecessary. But if he starts to make sure that there are shrimp chips around the house, or buying fries that he has no intention to eat, just so they can get soggy, and he can share with Yamaguchi during lunch break, well then, that is no one’s business but his own. 

The first Friday after he finds out about Akiteru’s lie, is the day he realizes the length that Yamaguchi would go for him. 

The mood in the Tsukishima household is tense, to say the least. Not that Tsukishima had told his parents about his discovery. In fact, he hadn’t talked much at all - but Akiteru had been so consumed with guilt and shame that he came clean as soon as he got home after the match. His parents were comprehensive enough, of course. They loved their elder son for his kind nature, and not for his position on the court. It killed them that he had felt the need to lie about such a flimsy thing as if it could ever affect how the perceived them. 

And in truth, it really didn’t affect how anyone saw Akiteru at all, not even Tsukishima’s vision. He loved his brother regardless. But the lies told by his brother, and the shame that Akiteru carried, born out of countless extra training sessions and efforts leading to nothing, those were the things that killed Tsukishima inside. He didn’t come down to dinner that night and didn’t speak much with his parents. To Akiteru, he refused to spare so much as a glance. 

It really comes down on Thursday afternoon, after class, when Tsukishima is confronted once again by Yamaguchi’s classmate whose older brother also plays for Karasuno. The kid had sort of left him alone, but Tsukishima had imagined that it wouldn’t last. That day, specifically, Yamaguchi had gone out with his mum after class and so, Tsukishima found himself walking back home alone. Or at least that’s what he thought, until the kid jumped out from one of the small food shops about a block after school, and followed him all the way until his street. His voice was even more annoying that Tsukishima remembered, and he filled any possible silence of the streets with comments about ‘lies’ and ‘lack of talent’ and ‘embarrassment’ and ‘he wouldn’t be good enough anyway’. Tsukishima makes a mental note to never leave his house without headphones again, and when his alarm rings the next morning, he tells his mum his stomach feels off. She presses a kiss to his forehead and lets him float back to sleep, which he does after sending a quick message to Yamaguchi telling him he’s sick (he had noticed that the other boy tended to overthink too much). 

The day goes by slowly the next morning, and Tsukishima spends the most part of it on his bed, reading. But when 4 o’clock strikes, his mother softly knocks on the door, pushing it open with a tray with juice and an anxious-looking Yamaguchi by her side. Tsukishima sits on his bed, confused. 

“Yama?” he asks, and the boy offers him a shy smile. Tsukishima’s mother sets the juice down and pats Yamaguchi’s head, before leaving the room with a soft expression on her face. “What are you doing here?” Tsukishima asks.

“Well, you said you were sick, so I asked your teachers for your homework and a few of your colleagues for their notes on today’s lessons,” Yamaguchi tells him, turning around to open his backpack and take out a folder filled with papers and some paper copies, as well as his own notebooks. “I thought we could go over them together. I know we’re not in the same class, but it could be helpful to study together. If you’re feeling better, of course!” The last part is added in an anxious hurried tone, a fear of being intruding making itself known in Yamaguchi’s voice and widen eyes. Tsukishima raises his eyebrows, 

“You hate talking to people you don’t know. It makes you anxious.” He states, bluntly. And he knew for a fact, that Yamaguchi wasn’t familiar with any of his colleagues or teachers.  
“Yeah, but I didn’t want you to lose important stuff,” Yamaguchi says, looking down nervously. “I also got you some strawberry shortcake! Just in case you were feeling a little bit better, and needed and extra incentive” he stammered. 

Tsukishima blinked once, and then one more time, staring at him and slowly understanding what Yamaguchi was telling him. He feels a light prickle on the back of his throat but clears it away quickly. He refuses to cry for such a small thing. In fact, he refuses to cry at all (he thinks he might have already cried everything that he had to cry this past few days). Tsukishima has no words to say, doesn’t know how to react. He is great at teasing and mocking and throwing salt into the wound but this? This need to express thankfulness and a soft feeling that is burning in his chest, filled with relief on a meadow of awful feelings that had been permeating his head lately... He had no idea how to put that into words. How to say it out loud. So he doesn’t. Tsukishima nods bluntly and tells him he is better now, and that he can sit wherever he wants, while he grabs his own notebooks, so they can study. 

For the next few hours, as Yamaguchi goes over the answers, Tsukishima finds his own eyes often forgetting about the papers in front of him, and instead of stealing glances at his best friend. He just stares at the freckles on Yamaguchi’s face and the bright yellow notebook on his lap and the paper bag by his side emanating the scent of strawberry shortcake. 

At that moment, much like smelling the aroma of your favourite dessert after a strenuous day, it hits Tsukishima right in the gut how much he likes Yamaguchi. In all honesty, this had been a shitty week. Even back then, he had been almost certain that the day he saw Akiteru on the cheering stand had been the worst of his life yet, and probably for a while to come. But right then and there, he was just ridiculously grateful for the luck he had, by having Yamaguchi Tadashi as his best friend. 

Tsukishima had always been proud of his ability to get on people's nerve with simple words. It felt good to rile people up. to see them struggle with an answer, to know that his tongue was a whip filled with salt, ready to slash hidden wounds. He is still very much a little shit when talking to any of his friends, quick to tease and annoy and provoke - with the obvious expectation that will understand he is not being serious and therefore, not be hurt by it. He means no harm (sometimes), that’s just how he tends to be. And it does work almost all the time, but almost is not always. When he is 13, however, it’s the first time he realizes that sometimes he hurts Yamaguchi when he is mean. And beyond that - that he doesn’t like the feeling at all. 

It was a Saturday, like many others, and they’re walking back home after going to the movies for the afternoon. Tsukishima doesn’t even remember what he said, really, just how he had noticed that suddenly Yamaguchi wasn’t walking by his side any more, and how the world seemed to be in slow motion when he turned to find the freckled boy standing a few feet behind him, lower lip slightly wobbling and undeniable distress on his eyes. 

Tsukishima is not used to apologize, or to admit he is wrong in general. There is this block between him and any sort of soft words that were created long ago, and he struggles with saying anything that could possibly cause warmth instead of hurt. He had never thought much about it, until he stared into Yamaguchi’s eyes, seeing a version of himself that he intensely disliked but did not know how to stop, how to separate himself from.

“That’s not very nice, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi says, voice strenuous, on the verge of breaking. Tsukishima imagines how hard it is for him to express this, a negative reaction, a feeling that he knows wouldn’t be well-received and that is heavy enough for him to make his eyes prickle at the corners. 

Tsukishima wishes he was brave like Yamaguchi. He wishes he had the ability to properly express whatever he felt, good or bad, uncomfortable or not. He wishes he knew how to use words to heal and apologize, instead of dragging and hurting. But when he opens his mouth, no apology or soft word comes out. Instead, he is as blunt and ruthless as he always been.

“Whatever, I don’t care,” he says and Yamaguchi is very silent for a long time after that.

Tsukishima tries to apologize, but the words come harder than he would like. He isn’t used to this reverse of roles, where Yamaguchi is the one with a serious face and nothing to say, while Tsukishima is holding onto the threads of the conversation, hoping to lighten the mood. 

He has this awful feeling, churning away on his guts, telling him that his ability with words to destroy was a curse and not a gift. He can not swallow, digest and forget the thought that this would not be the last moment in which this wall in between him and the ability to apologize would cause him problems. 

When Tsukishima stalks away from the Karasuno gym, at 15 years old, he doesn’t expect anyone to come after him. 

When he hears the very familiar voice calling his name and turns to see Yamaguchi pretty much sprinting in his direction, something settles a bit in his chest. This is familiar. 

There is nothing unknown in Yamaguchi’s admittance of admiration and light jealousy, nothing Tsukishima had already learned by their daily interactions. But if he is being honest, Yamaguchi always had a way to surprise him. So when Yamaguchi calls him ‘lame’, throwing Tsukishima’s words back at him, and states all the advantages he has inside the court with anger on his eyes, Tsukishima’s feels awfully surprised, uncomfortable in this new position. Yamaguchi had never raised his voice at him, at least like this, before. 

When Yamaguchi grabs Tsukishima by the hem of his shirt, pulling him close and asking what else could he possibly need besides his pride, there is a thrill going down Tsukishima's spine that he can’t really explain. It is a thunderbolt shock that comes with the satisfaction of knowing that he is cared about that much, that he is the one to rile up Yamaguchi and leave him in such state.

“Damn” Tsukishima starts laughing, and he can’t really stop. Yamaguchi looks so mad and so serious, bright against the dark night but Tsukishima just can’t help it. “When did you become so cool?” he asks, truly surprised but in a good way.

It’s an interesting realization. Yamaguchi had always been so soft, all around, and Tsukishima loves him for that. But there was something about him being so aggressively caring to the point that made a situation that was actually intense and kinda badass, into almost hilarious. He really had grown up, hadn’t he? He was far from the mellow and scary-cat boy that Tsukishima had once met. They were both older, and much different now. He thinks maybe it’s time for him to start growing up as well. 

It’s the day of their graduation. They don’t sit next to each other, for alphabetical reasons, but every now and then Tsukishima will look over Yamaguchi, and find him already looking back. 

When the ceremony is finally over, and he is done suffering under family pictures, he finds his way back to Yamaguchi (like he had been doing for years now), to find him playing with the second button of his jacket.

“Do you plan on giving it to anyone?” Tsukishima asks and Yamaguchi stares at him for a long time, before smiling sheepishly. Right there, hidden on the corner of his smile, is the only version of ‘truth’ that Tsukishima needed. It’s an answer he did not expect to receive. Truth is this elephant in the room, this heavy undeniable force that refuses to go unseen and unspoken of. It had only survived in secrecy until that very moment because Tsukishima had refused to look closer and investigate, but now it was so obvious it was impossible for him to look away. 

“You never said anything” Tsukishima accuses.

“I didn't think I had to. I always looked at you. I guess it was foolish of me to think you were looking back” Yamaguchi says, red in the face and looking anywhere but Tsukishima “Sorry Tsukki.” he apologizes meekly, for the third thousand times in their life. It’s almost too much for Tsukishima to bare. He doesn’t know what to say, what he is feeling. A part of him wants to apologize, a part wants to run away. He feels a light impulse to shake Yamaguchi by his shoulders, telling him to forget about it. He wants to go back in time to 15 seconds before, so he can stop it from happening, so Yamaguchi never says it out loud obligating the both of them to face this feeling. A part of Tsukishima wants to hear Yamaguchi say it fully, spelling out the words, so there is no doubt.

He opens his mouth, not because he knows what to say but because he feels he needs to say something. A refusal, an apology, a confession, a lie, anything. But he doesn’t get a chance to. Before he can ruin everything - this precious thing between them that is such long-standing companionship - he feels himself get pulled down. Hinata is there, suddenly, with an arm around his neck, pulling the both of them into a hug. Kageyama is there and so is Yachi and suddenly they’re crowded by their friends and teammates. There are talks of going out to eat and a loud and ever long conversation, filled with pre-expected nostalgia. They get dragged away, and although Yamaguchi is right beside him it feels like there are miles in between them. There is this mutual silence that feels impossible to break. 

The night goes and ends, and by the next morning, they go back to talking. Yamaguchi never brings it up again, and so neither does Tsukishima. It is more comfortable to stay in silence, than in a fight against the confusion that happens in his chest when he remembers the incident. 

Over two years later, on their second year in university, Tsukishima finally realizes why it mattered so much. Why that day made him so speechless, why sometimes when he looked at his best friend it felt like there was a hand squeezing his heart. 

It’s a Friday night, and they are sitting on the floor of Yamaguchi’s room, allegedly studying but in reality, there is a bad horror movie playing on the TV and a bottle of sake half-empty sitting beside them. In reality, it’s a cheap drink, and they haven’t consumed too much of it, being paired with multiple snacks - but it is an undeniable fact that they are both lightweights. And so, Tsukishima finds himself half-drunk, propped on his elbows, watching Yamaguchi watching the movie. Maybe it’s the alcohol or the way the half-light from the TV hits Yamaguchi’s face, or the fact that one of the characters from the movie had just died without being able to tell the others he loved them, or maybe it’s because he had felt all the accumulated stress from the week melt away the moment Yamaguchi told him ‘welcome’ as he walked in. There were many factors that could be the culprit of his realization, but regardless, this was the fact: When he looks at Yamaguchi, Tsukishima can only think that he is hopelessly in love with him, and probably has been for a while. 

He opens his mouth, considers apologizing for taking too long. His feelings are spilling everywhere, like oil on the pavement, and Yamaguchi’s smile is a match. When he looks back at him and laughs, Tsukishima is pure fire, burning away without moving. 

He gets too nervous and drags his eyes back to the floor in between his feet. He hates apologizing and he hates admitting he was wrong. And oh, how wrong he was because, really, how could he think even for a second that he didn’t love Yamaguchi? When every time the other boy looked him into the eyes, Tsukishima feels the sun rising on his stomach, spreading warm throughout all of him, all the places Yamaguchi and touched him. 

When he is finally able to take a breath and get out of his head, the mini-crisis subduing, he gathers courage and looks to the side, opens his mouth once again - to find Yamaguchi laying down with his eyes closed and the softest expression on his face. Tsukishima sighs, the peace on his friends’ expression filling him up. Yamaguchi always looked awfully pretty when he was asleep, something he was able to recognize even before he knew he was in love. 

Tsukishima touches the top of Yamaguchi’s head lightly, combs his hair slowly. It will be ok, he has time. Even if he doesn’t get to confess tomorrow or the day after. For now, he just wants to enjoy Yamaguchi’s company and all the small moments they have. He lays down and closes his eyes, slowly falling asleep listening to Yamaguchi’s rhythmic breathing, bodies too close like many times before. 

It’s a Friday, and Tsukishima hoped it would be an uneventful one. College and work and extra training have all been pushing him harder and harder lately, and he feels this tiredness that comes not from the lack of sleep, but simply from overworking himself. But the weekend was knocking on his door, and he is walking down the street with Yamaguchi by his side towards their favourite bar, where a couple of their ex-schoolmates were already waiting for them, so things were already looking much better for him. 

They must be two or three blocks away from the drinks and the caring-yet-too-loud company when Yamaguchi tells Tsukishima that he is dating someone. Tsukishima’s breath hitches and doesn’t really come back. He looks through narrow eyes as Yamaguchi tells him about a classmate, with silver hair and a kind smile, that tells him music recommendations and remembered his favourite food. It’s his first official anything, and everything is very new and tentative, but God he is so happy and flustered, and he really thinks that he might fall in love with him if they spend more time together. 

It’s cruel and selfish, but a part of Tsukishima’s brain considers the possibility of saying it out loud the feeling he has acknowledged for two years now. He that maybe, just maybe, if he confesses, then Yamaguchi might abandon this dude, whoever he is, for him. Tsukishima feels careless and on edge, watching a lifetime of happiness silently promised to escape away, that he can’t grasp, not even with the tip of his fingers. 

And if he does throw caution to the wind and let the words blurt out of his mouth, if he does, in fact, do the deed and lay this unbearable knowledge in between them, what does that make of him? 

If he tells Yamaguchi ‘I love you’, is that a fact or a weapon? A confession or just cruelty?

Yamaguchi had waited for him for so long, had been so patient, but Tsukishima had been either too blind or too much of a coward. Too afraid to lose what they had until then.

Tsukishima thinks of everything had has happened. Every single moment that has composed this relationship, all the hours he spent looking at Yamaguchi, and all the times Yamaguchi probably looked at him without him noticing. 

He thinks of baby faced Yamaguchi raising his voice at a school colleague when he hated yelling, and he hated being aggressive and was so painfully shy. He thinks about scribbled yellow notebooks and surprise strawberry shortcakes and shrimp chips. 

He thinks about every single thing that Yamaguchi has ever done for the sake of him. How he is the sweetest boy Tsukishima knows, that loved him unconditionally even at his worst. He thinks about how Yamaguchi is, most likely, the best person he knows. He thinks that Yamaguchi is happy, that if anyone in the world deserved that, then it was him. And Tsukishima will never forgive himself if he is the one to end that. 

He closes his mouth and then opens it again. 

“I hope he makes you happy, Yama. you deserve it. I can’t wait to meet him.” Yamaguchi gives him a smile, bright as the stars. Tsukishima smiles back. 

And if he looks up, biting his tongue and holding back the tears the whole way as they walk to the bar, well then, that is no one’s business but his own. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading it! This was my first time writing from Tsukishima's POV, so I hope I was able to do him, and his feelings for Yamaguchi, justice. Feedback is always more than welcome, and if you'd like to scream at me you can find me on twitter!!


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